The Great Christmas "IT"

So today my mom and I were out shopping, and saw IT. Yup, that's right. Every Christmas season most stores hold a vast stock of IT s (probably the leftover ones that didn't sell last year). What exactly, dear reader, is IT? That detestable, heavy, capable-of -lasting-for-20-years cake peppered with nearly un-edible candied fruit that some have the nerve to call dessert (also known as...*gulp* fruitcake).

The great Christmas IT  has been respected and feared (but mostly feared) by kids and grownups of all ages ever since well-meaning grandparents started sending IT in the mail for a special treat (and boy oh boy, it sure is "special"!). Just the fact that this cake can be sent in the mail and look exactly the same when it arrives at its destination after all of the rough handling and cajoling it gets going through the mailing system should tell you something.

Afterall, with all of the preservatives that make IT  into, well, IT, I wouldn't be surprised if  IT had the ability to come alive and walk around when everyone was asleep! And those companies that produce the great IT are so sly, dear reader! First, they package IT in a fancy little cardboard box to make IT look edible (though we all know the truth!).After that, they smack a cute Christmas label on it along with the warm word "Tradition" to make it appeal to all of the mothers and grandmothers who are going insane trying to bake for all of the Christmas parties, finally feeling desperate enough to buy IT. 

 After this, they serve it to their guests, though not without a pang of shame surging through their consciences. For they remember only too well the urging of their own parents to eat a large slice of IT out of politeness,  then finally having to go through the torturous process of chewing and swallowing IT (that is, if vomiting didn't occur first).

Ah yes...we must take a moment of silence for the all of the poor guests, friends, family members, kids, dogs, and other unknowing and/or desperate victims that IT has lured into its candied-fruit clutches!

You would think that such a shameful "dessert" would be banned from all culinary institutions and every grandmother's recipe book, but alas, that day is still yet to come. But until then, those of us who know the ugly, preservative-filled truth still have the chance to save many a soul and taste-bud from the Great Christmas IT!